Monologue of a Whale: A Douglas Adams Remix in Blank Verse

Happy Towel Day, everyone (it’s on the 25th, but y’know, time zones and whatnot)! In commemoration, here is a poem based on The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which I have previously lauded as one of my biggest literary influences.

***

Hello! What’s this? What’s happening to me?
I think—a thought! I’ve never thought before!
In fact, I’ve never been an “I” before.
Who is this “I”, who I suppose is me?
And what, now, do I mean by “who is ‘I’”?
How did I come to be here, and for what?
And while I’m on the subject, where is “here”?

Oh dear, I’m getting rather tangled up;
These thoughts I’m thinking make so little sense.
It might be better if I start again
And think my thoughts along a different path,
Like maybe what I feel, not what I think.

This new sensation that I feel—it feels…
Well, if I must describe it I suppose
It yawns, or maybe tingles, in my—hmm.
It seems that if I want to make a way
Ahead in what I think I’ll call “the world”
I’ll need to think of names to call these… things.
So now, this place in which I feel that thing
That I am feeling shall be called, let’s see,
A “stomach”. Yes, I like the sound of that.

Oh dear, the stomach-feeling’s getting strong.
It’s getting really very, very strong.
And there’s this whistling sound—and roaring, too—
That’s rushing past what I will call my “head”.
What shall I call this noise? Oh, I know, “wind”!
It’s not a great name, but it has to do.
I’ll name it something better when I know
What “wind” is for. It must be something good,
At least important, since there is so much.

Oh, hello there, what’s this new piece of me?
What shall I call you—ooh, I think you’re “tail”.
This tail’s a satisfying thing to thrash!
It feels like something I’m supposed to do,
Though why I’d need to do it I can’t tell.
Perhaps if I keep thrashing (so much fun!)
I’ll figure out the purpose of my tail.

Now, have I thus far formed myself a view
Of who I am and what I am and where
I am that is at all coherent? No.
Ah well, no matter then, I still have time
To learn about this “world” and “wind” and “tails”.
It’s so exciting, this whole “being” thing!
There’s quite a lot I’m looking forward to.
I’m dizzy with anticipation, or
Perhaps that’s just the feeling from the wind?
There is a lot of that, I have to say;
And always more, increasing oh-so-much.

But, wait, I’ve noticed something down below!
What is this thing so fast approaching me?
It’s coming up towards me on all sides!
At such a speed… and such a size!
This thing, it is so big and flat and round;
I need to name it something big and wide.
Perhaps an “ow”… an “ound”… a “round”… a “ground”?
I like that, “ground”! Now that’s a name that fits.
I wonder if it wants to be my friend—?

***

At once, a thud: a massive crash: a splat
That thunders all across the planet’s crust.
And as the echoes multiply and fade,
The dust and silence settle down once more.

But in the sky, another consciousness:
A bowl of flowers now—it’s falling fast…
But only with one solitary thought.
“Oh no,” think the petunias, “not again.”