Khan's Catch

“Hey Mum, call me back as soon as you get this, yeah? I’ve got a bit of a… um… problem here. It’s this… well, you know the cat our new flatmate has? Turns out it’s a bit of a hunter. Yesterday when I got home from work there was this half-eaten starling on Jess’ pillow; it was super gross. Anyway, I just got in again, and—oh no you don’t—the bloody cat has been hunting again, and you won’t believe what it—ah, fuck! It’s not dead this time, either, which is why I, ah, why I’m calling. I need you to come over with your bird rescue stuff. Fast, if you can. Jess is working nights at the moment and David’s out of town, so I dunno who else to call… C’mere you little bastard…

“It’s an owl, by the way, did I say that? Yeah, this dipshit cat brought home a fucking barn owl. I don’t think it’s hurt—it’s flying, that’s for sure—but it’s mad as hell and like, hissing at me. Hey, don’t talk to me like that, dude, I’m trying to get you outta here! Seriously, Mum, what do I do with an angry owl on the bookcase? I have a mop, but it’s not helping me much. All I can do is, like, prod at it.

“Jesus, even the cat is scared of this thing. Why are you scared, Khan? You’re the one who thought that dragging an owl through the cat flap was a good idea. Honestly, Mum, I don’t know how he did it; it’s almost as—ack!—as big as he is. Dude! I know you’re pissed off, but it’s not my fault you can’t find the goddamn door! It’s right! Fucking! Oh shit There!

“Come on, Mum, where are you? Please pick up! The cat’s cornered under the coffee table and hissing at the owl, the owl’s hissing and flapping at both of us, and I have no idea what to do with this mop. Call me back and—no, don’t call back, just come over right away. Hopefully the owl won’t have—fuckoff—disembowelled and eaten us or anything. Goddamn, there are feathers and shit everywhere… Um, love you. Come soon. Bye. Now see here, you—“